I believe in struggling.
It taught me loyalty, beauty,
and that the world owes me nothing.
It taught me I can be as lighthearted as I want and that age doesn’t matter.
I believe that God does give his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers
And that I was lucky enough to be chosen.
I’ve been expected to be brave, invincible, and fearless.
And I’ve lived the words
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
I’ve also seen things and felt a pain that some will never feel in their entire lives
before I was old enough to drive a car.
I have to be strong for a greater purpose because
I feel like my duty is far beyond me.
It’s beyond saving my family. It’s for the world.
Because somebody needs to hear this.
To those who’ve struggled with addiction and never found your way out.
To my dad who didn’t get to experience every inch of my love
because of a disease that made emotion numb.
You should be here.
I recreated this from Kehlani’s, “You Should Be Here” song intro. It was just so beautiful and it came on the other day while I was showering and it brought me to tears. It’s an anthem to all that I am supposed to be and sometimes just as many of us experience, I know I get distracted. I get pulled away from my purpose. But it’s always been there and it’s not going away.
It’s so important for us to surround ourselves with people who support us and our dreams. To allow yourself enough alone time and to stay away from people who make you feel any less magical than you are. Toxic influences can lead to incomplete dreams and the only person you’ll have to blame is yourself.
Two months before my dad died someone looked me in my eyes and said, “You think your life is so hard. You feel bad for yourself.” I knew it wasn’t true because since my teenage years I hadn’t felt that way. As untrue as it is, I have to share my experiences because I hope someone out there will read this memoir of pieces about my dad and me and feel a little better.
Maybe I can help a 13-year-old who just found out her dad has relapsed to not feel alone or selfish or helpless. Maybe I can help a parent who is ashamed of their addiction have hope that they can still give their child the best chance at a future.
I’m not the first one to face struggles, and my pain is not to be compared to anyone else’s. But it’d be a shame to not be proud and shine through. If you’ve been through a struggle that cut you deep, that made you realize that something you thought you couldn’t live without is now gone, or if you’ve been tested to your limits with pain and defeat, don’t be afraid to let it give you a smile now.
There’s beauty in struggle, and we need to utilize it for good. Yeah, we’re a little messed up, on edge, defensive, and extremely loyal, and a little scattered, but we’re not afraid of anything that comes our way. We’re the strongest soldiers and ready for the toughest battles.
Everything I do is with love and intention that my dad gave my life. Without my dad, I might’ve not known as much struggle but I would’ve never known how grateful I should be to live another day and how beautiful genuine people are.
So if you believe you’re a soldier and can make this life the greatest it can be, you should be here.