Eyes Don’t Lie

Behind the eyes that lie is the person you remember and love.

Looking into my dad’s eyes while he was high was the hardest part of witnessing his addiction. Glossy, incoherent. His eyes shut in slow motion with a blank stare. They were my dads beautiful eyes, but they were tainted with an evil¬†varnish. Tarnished in his voice as well, but nothing was more painful than looking into those eyes that used to sparkle so bright.

If he were able to hold his composure for a minute he would look at me. Often I would ask him what he was doing.

“What is wrong with you?!” I would say.

“Nothing. Im tired,” he’d say as he began to lean forward and his head began to sink.

“Nothing? What is wrong with you?!”

The answer was never anything truthful or anything I wanted to hear. In fact, there’s nothing I would have liked to have heard.

But I think that was the problem. I was searching and begging for an answer that would make everything better, but in reality it would never happen.

There is nothing an addict can say while they are high that will make it better. We will always search for something to hold onto, however, because we will always love that person more than they’ll ever know.

My dad would never admit he was high. Whether he was denying it or making excuses it was an unbearable pain. Why are you lying to my face? Why are you hurting me? Why do I want to believe your excuses? Why can’t you change? Why can’t I change?

It’s a bad habit to get into thinking these questions all the time.

As much as we wish our loved one could answer these questions truthfully, optimistically, or promisingly, we must be honest with ourselves. You will see the eyes you love and have known, and then you will see that thick plexiglass blocking all the trust, faith, and strength that they are trying to let break through.

The lies will spill from the mouth and you will want to believe but the eyes do not lie.

The best thing you can do is refocus your energy. Take the truth that you learn from the eyes and remember that these aren’t the same eyes that see you as a friend, a loved one, or family. It’s distorted in their mind because of a vicious disease that is blocking them from processing your pain and desire for the truth. This disease has the unjustified power to distort any sort of love and faith that person wants to give. ¬†Stay strong.




Why I am not worried if my dad will relapse again

It has been almost five years since my father has been in prison and sometime in August he will be released.

It is something that is a bit bittersweet. Of course I have not been able to see my dad often in the past five years, I cannot call him whenever I want, and I just really miss him being around. While in prison, I know that my father has medical attention, he has a place to sleep, and he is eating (and I know he has been eating because he has gained so much weight). Most importantly I know that he is not getting high.

I am going to support him 100% and I will cheer him on everyday. I have faith in my father but I do understand that it will be a struggle for him everyday. My dad has forgot what freedom feels like and my dad has only heard about, but has not seen, the painstaking increase in heroin addicts. It is going to be something he will have to confront and an urge he is going to have to fight everyday and I understand that.

I will support my dad and I will think of him every moment I am not with him. Unlike how I dealt with his addiction when I was thirteen, I now know that I have nothing to do with the choices he makes. I know that it is not a measurement of how much he loves me. It is a power he needs to reach inside himself and grab. There are going to be a million and one reasons he will be discouraged upon his release and I know I am not one of them and that is the most I can do.

If my dad were to relapse I would not hate him. I would not resent him. I would be disappointed. A little heartbroken. I would not be an enabler. I would be honest wit him and tell him I cannot allow his lifestyle to interject with mine. But I would let him know that he is always going to be my father and I will always love him. And we as a father-daughter relationship stand for a rare family love that people rarely find in life or at least until later.

My dad and I are meant to set an example to the youth and young parents who are addicts, that the choice of painkillers and drugs are not meant to destroy a relationship like a father-daughter have (or any other relationship). Time will tell whether the next chapter ends well or bad. The chapters only end when I give up and that won’t happen.

I don’t feel bad for you.

The picture featured for this blog post made me cry and I think its very relevant for the following piece you are about to read. This piece is a harsh narrative full of advice I have for you and your biggest battles. It is honest and sincere and I hope that it either makes you mad or makes you think. Either way, it will motivate you.

There is a thin line between having compassion and being an enabler of excuses. When I wrote this piece I was thinking about myself and my experiences and what I think people need to hear when facing their problems. When I was in 9th grade my teacher explained that if he gave us an excuse for not doing something the way it should be done, we would accept the excuse and use it, because that is just the way humans are.

In order to succeed we need to stay away from coddling, self-pity, excuses, enablers, and vices.

Continue reading I don’t feel bad for you.

No Drugs: School Zone

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 

I haven’t stopped crying for 5 hours… this isn’t healthy I just want him back in my life and he doesn’t want to and I have to realise it:/ nothing is going to be the same again. I don’t even want to live anymore.

Continue reading No Drugs: School Zone

Grace of New Beginnings

¬† ¬†Tonight I recieved a phone call from my dad at around 1030pm. It was surprising because in the past five years he would usually only call me before 6pm. I was excited anyway because I had just walked in the door from work and any earlier, I wouldnt have been able to answer. His voice comforts my soul, “Hi Baby-so!” he says. We know our time on the phone is limited so we instantly begin talking about everything important. First off my grandpas health, my health, his health, and about the other people we care most about. Then we talked about new movies my dad has seen which is funny because recently he has seen more movies than I have.
    We talked about my graduation and how proud of me he is and we talked about how proud my grandpa is of me. A couple weeks ago my grandfather compared me to the pope. My dad explained to me that in translation from English to Russian, being compared to the pope is a very big compliment. He explained to me how much my grandpa loves me and how we are all facing reality of his old age and his strength for staying well.
¬† ¬† ¬†I told him that I wanted to raise money for kids that have parents addicted to drugs. He told me a story about a family he once helped. He knew a woman with two kids who barely had clothes on their back. He had recently bought me a playstation 2 so he decided to give the kids the playstation 1 that I had now retired for the newest edition. “I have never been so hurt. When I went back to ask the kids how they liked it, the mother had already sold the playstation for drugs.” He told me what I was doing was very special and how important it is for these kids to look forward to something.
    Our conversation suddenly reached a topic I try to avoid. The reality of what is to happen when my father will be released from prison. It has been five long years and of course I am more than estatic to have my dad back in my life but I have become so comfortable with my way of living that it will be a hard adjustment for me to try to understand what he is going through in his head.
¬† ¬† “I want to make money,” he said. I told my dad that the most important thing for him to do is maintain his health and let me worry about the money and that I can help us both. Money comes and goes, and opportunity to make money will always be there, but our health is going to be especially important.
¬† ¬† ¬†“I cant believe I have missed out on 5 years of your life,” he said. I told him that he has been my motivation these past five years and that he cannot let his past dictate his future especially since it has felt he has been with me the whole time, in my heart.
¬† ¬† “I don’t want to start smoking again,” he said. This is where I began to feel a drop in my stomach and a knot in my heart. This is a thought my father was having and if this were a thought in his head, I knew that heroin was also.It isn’t to say that I did not know it was something he probably thought of every day. Subconciously we like to put the things that we know we cant change, and want to, in the back of our heads, and that is one thought I¬†always try to bury far down.
¬† ¬† “I just remember when my mom was sick the last time and ….” He didn’t finish his sentence. His mother, my grandmother, was my dads best friend and her diagnosis of cancer was the beginning of my fathers relapse. She passed a week after being released from prison 9 years ago.¬†I like to think he stopped himself because he knows this time will be different.
¬† ¬† “One minute remaining on call”. The prison calls always seem too short for what I must pay. We said our goodbyes and now I will have to wait to hear from him again.